This post is strictly personal. It is a journal entry. There is nothing informational in this post but I still need to write it so I can move on with my day. I have extremely vivid dreams. I always have. So my bad dreams are typically super powered bad dreams and last night I had the worst case scenario nightmare.
I dreamed that our family was on vacation somewhere in the Caribbean. We were at a nice hotel and the whole family was there. Me, my husband, our girls, grandparents, brothers and sisters. It was mid-morning and the guys had already left to hit the beach. The girls stayed behind to do a few things at the hotel and pack up the kids. As we were sitting in the hotel lobby making sure we had all of our bags packed for a day at the beach, my girl started saying she was hungry. I reached into my diaper bag and pulled out a granola bar. Without thinking twice, I gave it to her and she took a bite. Just as she spit the bite out I thought, oh, I forgot to check the label again. I looked down the bite that she had spit out on the floor and saw a pecan in it. I immediately went into crisis management in my dream and thought - ingestion of known allergen = immediate Epi. As I went for her Epi Pens, I started creaming for someone to call 911 and then remembered we weren't in the US. I heart started to sink. I started screaming for someone to call an ambulance, to tell the hotel staff, to call a hospital, to ask if anyone around was a doctor. As I grabbed her Epi, I remember seeing a look of panic and confusion on her face and I knew something wasn't right. Every mom knows when their kiddo doesn't feel good and I could tell she didn't feel good. She started having trouble breathing and looked very pale and lethargic. Oh sh*t I thought, this is bad. I injected her Epi and remember every count from one to ten in my dream as I held it in. I remember massaging the injection site afterward. I remember thinking in my dream, okay, I am doing everything right. Then we waited and I tried to figure out how I was going to contact my husband who no doubt was no where near a phone on the beach.
I felt like no one was responding to my panic. No ambulance or doctor was coming. No one from the hotel staff was responding. I couldn't reach my husband. I felt like no one understood what was happening. I felt so helpless and the first Epi wasn't doing anything. Our girl started to lose consciousness and I knew it was time to administer the second Epi. Done. I literally remember thinking in my dream, this is it, I don't have a third Epi. I remember praying that it would do something and thinking about Natalie's story where even three couldn't save her. I remember thinking I couldn't believe this was happening and at the same time not feeling surprised at all. You never know how severe a reaction will be. You never know if one bite could literally take a life or just cause some hives. I remember thinking, this is it, this is the bite. And then I woke up. Heartbroken and relieved all at once.
It was just a dream, thank God. But it was haunting. I still have a pit in my stomach. My eyes are welling up with tears as I write this post. This is just one of the many, many dreams about food allergies and trying to keep my daughter safe that I have had but this was the worst one and I felt like I had to get it out of me to move on with my day.
Love and hugs to all those who care for children with food allergies. We all know what each other deals with on a daily basis. Virtual hugs to all today. My girl is waking up and it's time for me to go scoop her up in my arms.